I am clear.

i need a moment........



i may not be looking directly at you but i can see you.

clear is the color i want. not gray nor black not even red today. clear.
If i was clear. im sure you could really enjoy the view. free to do your day to day. if i was clear i would not cast a shadow. no heart and no brain my perspective does not matter. the viewers eyes are all that really exists. i see from time to time your gaze hits mine and i know you see me. but not me not me at all just the space i take up at the time. is it to much. did i forget my costume? clear. i want it, im tired of it all i want it all to just be clear. inside and out clear. i feel bad i cant be clear, for you. if i could i would but i take up space. because i exist. I......

this was me. it happened time and time again. I disappear right there. clear for clear sake.hidden from nothing and no one but hiding in side. and time and time again i turn into a mucky mist. hidden in public. but you don't get it! i see better then you do.

i may not be looking right at you but i can see you.

and you know i have spent years seeing you and others like you. and you ask me to be clear why not you for a change. be clear for me and i will smile. this time you get out of your skin and be clear. take up that space in the masses. hide right out in public. be clear for me.

ya madness i know........ thanks for the moment... i needed that.

"So there i was" and my building

Im listening to this tune by deadmou5 called "So there i was". Its a great tune if you enjoy deep deep trance. At the same time im designing this building for class my first project as an architect (student) it really transplanted me into the site and building. so i guess i just wanted to write down my thoughts. this is my - so there i was.

so there i am in the park across the street. paler then normal. the sun is setting. i feel at ease in the dark. I am dressed in all black from head to toe. I am wearing a cape over one shoulder in the style of the Renaissance. I dont have a date or friends to meet. I am anonymous not a single soul in this city knows me. Its very sad but at the same time freeing. I can be who and what i want at all times. from the park i see a grand entrance to a world stopped in time. It seems to invite me and bring fear to my heart. I imagine harpies calling to sailors to thrash them self's over rocks.

Over the past couple of weeks i have been working my self up to deal with the world. I have lost my humanity. I know for a fact i am human but in my mind i have left reality behind. Some how this place seems to bring me back. I am, I. And I am only one of a river of people living in this city. I need to get out of my head and speak. but who would listen to my words and not just hear the sounds im making. People just wait for there turn to talk. but inside when i look at people they listen and understand with out needing words. I know i am on the brink of insanity but if i know there for i am far from it. I smile and laugh out loud at the thought. and the on lookers just raise eyebrows and look away. Oh the world if you only knew me.

With a sigh i shake these thoughts off. and walk into this new space. The building just weaves in and out of its self a mix of structure and necessity. I would speak aloud to this man, for sure he knows how i feel alone and distant. my ticket says balcony 3 alcove one. i picked this spot on per pus i want to be alone but part of something greater. I want to feel the music and be free to express my emotions in public with out the eyes of others to judge me. like a cave i am sitting in floating world of my own for a time.

the lights of the floor go off and a single women comes out. she begins and i am free and connected with every one in this room. right now we are we and i am not one but part of many, and i am happy. at least for a moment i understand.

animal visualization

so to boost my self up i have been thinking of things to tell my self. i know, most people will be like dam i would never tell people that stuff. well im not you and you will never be me. :D so these days "I AM A LION!" "I AM THE PHOENIX" so far i picked these two because they are bad boy yardys.

but you know me i will always be the dunpeal hunter!

i really love this song.

no you dont get it i really really like this song!











now go have a great weekend! OR ELSE!

Today I picked a mascot for my self. Or maybe it picked me. You see life has been trying to get me these past couple of weeks and I have been trying my best to be possitive. Looking at the brighter side even if its pitch black. At times I guess in a way I have been looking at the sun in my mind. Maybe its all my own fault I have played it wrong these last couple of months maybe not being true to my self. Or has it been that I have changed and I no longer know what being true to thy self is any more.

Lets get back to the facts and not the unknown. Fact lately I have been feeling less then valued by people. Fact the person I see in the mirror is not the person I see in my minds eye. I think im handsome but I'm going into one of them times where its seems as if i might be single for the rest of my life. Normally i wouldn't think so much about it but im not 18 I'm 28. I also lost a friend. i ended up looking creepy because I am to try to just give it a solid try on a girl. and im pretty much good friendless here in the west. and on top of it all i found out i am moving to florida. so all that just got to me.

My world is on fire in the end i fear nothing will be there but ashes. Maybe I'm being dramatic but relationships are important. So this thought got me thinking. And an appiffony dawned on me. the phoenix.... thats it at the end of its life the phoenix burns and out of the ashes comes a new baby phoenix . it has its whole life ahead of him.

So with that in mind The Phoenix is my mascot. in the end i will come out anew and with all possibilities a head of me. next post i hope is a drawing of a phoenix. u_u catch you later buddies.