I miss China

I miss China so much! Back when I went for my visit. My life was very different. What I miss is the comradery which I feel we lack greatly in USA. Maybe "comradery" does not quite fit right, but some how it feels right. I miss that connection you feel just being there. We just do not have it in the USA or maybe because I have been traveling and have not settled going on a whole year. Two years since I left my closest friends back in Connecticut. Traveling these last couple of years has been great. I have had the opportunity to meet allot of great new people. But this last year I can't say I have made a new friend or hung out with a friend. Lately I have been thinking allot of Beijing and the great time I had. I miss the friends I made which I kinda guess I have lost with the passing of time. But thats how life work and rings especially true to the traveler. But somehow the soup I call life I can see the taste beginning to be recognizable. I will go back and experience it all again different then before but good in a new way.

This whole thing about relationships is starting take its tole. And I hate the fact that I'm starting to be understanding. With the end of a human connection I no longer get angry or upset I deal with it rationally. What does that mean? I know the answer but don't want to say it aloud.

This was the beginning of a story but this is a true statement.

I was so cold standing there in front of the ocean gazing into the power and grace of nature. Frozen then blind to any possibility but the moment I was experiencing.

old emails and no vegetable oil

I was looking for something else on an email and I found a email from years ago from a friend I no longer talk to but we are kinda friends on facebook. She is married and ehhh friends with a married woman is not really cool or girl in a relationship as a matter of fact. So I was reading over the email and noticing dam my English was horrible back then. Yes I am no English teacher now but wow. I am glad I have worked on it and notice I have improved greatly.

I have given up carbs for lent. It has been a very difficult first couple of days. I got sick and tired and feverish. Then its gotten easy and tell you the truth I think this is my new way of life. Limit my carbs and no vegetable oil.

Now that I look back at the old ways of my youth. Looking back I feel foolish but I guess thats how I learn the hard way, hitting every branch on the way down. I fear to look at my myspace blog oh the shame. Now that I am older I still find my self still finding new trees to fall out of but I am smarter now. This makes me happy to not be in that boat with no pattle.

The Prince of Egypt Soundtrack - "Through Heaven's Eyes"

I just finished watching The Prince of Egypt by dream works. One song really stood out to me this time around. Thinking about this made me wonder why as I sat there tears welling in my eyes because of this song I never thought about much before. It could be because finally I see a little how maybe the things we work on in our life that never brings financial gain can be the most meaningful. Or a bit passing kindness at the right moment could be saving someone from the straw the broke the camels back. Makes me want to do more in my life that can not been seen as right in the worlds eyes but right in through heavens eyes.

To pick the pocket of a Thief

I would like to begin this entry with a turn a phrase that would pick the pocket of a thief. But my mind is black and maybe the best way to begin is to just. My mind is carrying a weigh and such a weight it is. Tired to the point beyond exhausted, and longing of sleep but sleep does not come only staring into the black. The view seen is that which is seen from under eye lids I get no rest and my mind is wild with relentless dreams of delight and deviation. All in the black while I long for dreams I do no control. I am not physicality tired. I only wish to rest my brain because I can no longer tame he beast I have created within. The Tiger I placed in the closet has grown from a cub into an adult and he is barbarous.

It all starts with the innocent sweet dreams of a child. The view is a painting but only the subject has her back turned. I do not see with my eye but with my emotions. I see love. I see thing with out seeing them. I do not have to because I know and love overflows to the point in which I smile for nothing else but overwhelming felicity. The memory ends and the dream begins. I begin to unravel the innocence and place frustration in its place. I dream a dream that will never be. The dream of a alternate failed possibility that I can not seem to put to rest. I have not the tears to shed for such sorrows. I have taken the risk of life before, I know time will pass and so will these dreams.

The memory of the dream helps me continue the search. I know this treasure map will lead to the real painting. I have to keep going onwards for I believe somewhere the subject is the artist and she is continuing onwards her self.

This song got me dancing in my seat! Big smiles to be had.

Maybe you think you lost your vitality? I know your position I have stood in your shoes for sure. But I think what you really lost is something else. What I notice is at times when energy seems a far off land on another planet, is that that all I need is a good tune. I close my eyes smile and wiggle my head and I am there on a privet dance floor going wild. The ship has left its docking station.... Huston we have liftoff! The coarse is set for a crash landing! "not a single mistake in a million key strokes Jerome It is right that you take us to" Planet vitality! And its back full blast pumping in my vanes. I gotta dance!



great video for this mix.


"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQxQbL6q_8w

the tune only.

Fear

I will tell you my biggest fear. I don't care who knows because its almost impossible and will never happen. My biggest fear is being in the middle of space unable to die and helpless.

But thats never gonna happen. But recently I have started to fear people seeing my art. Its ok if im not the best at design. Ehhh I really don't mind all that much. My designs are not me. But I am my art and my art is me we are one in the same. I fear I will not be not be excepted. My soul up on the wall for all to see. But I think its the gamble I need to make. I cant alway hide behind a calm seemingly uncaring exterior. Just some random thoughts.