that little ragged edge of paper.

So I started cleaning up my inventory of friends. It is kinda liberating I think. Its kinda like cutting the ragged edge of paper. Yes it is paper but the reality is it does nothing for you but stick out and pull you down. Hmmm I wonder what is pushing me to this I have never been like this. I moved around allot as a kid and used to do anything to keep a friend, because I valued them. Even if they are not so great. Its weird maybe I'm moving into a new stage in my life.

Eye burning sunlight shades of gray and tan

extremely weird night I have had all in my mind. Maybe this night started days ago diving into my past walking in damp caves of different lives I used to live. Pondering what if's and could have been's, playing out different outcomes that will never be. I often remember the past as something more. But, I play it cool allot colder then I have ever been able to play it my whole life. Set backs bring past failures up to the surface in bright eye burning sunlight shades of gray and tan. Whenever my lives dirty laundry used to come busting out I used to take me such a long while to pack it all back away. But some how now that I am older I am numb and life just does not hurt as much as it used to and the dirty laundry get put into boxes with ease. Maybe its just the time in my life kinda like knee deep mud filled with dirty shoes some where deep in the muck no one will every see again, but sometimes felt by chance and remembered as something that never really was.

I feel numb but no I can't see any explanation for it. Everything feels muted I can just make out the ideas of what I am hearing and seeing. Maybe its the lack of sleep.

Sometimes its better to remember the darkest night as the moment before beautiful sunrise.

The sun is coming up, I am having glass of water and a microwaved apple pie from McDonalds. The pie burned my tongue, it was only microwaved for like 25 sec but it came out molten lava. I spent the whole night working on my school projects it was allot of work but its done. Now the only thing I have to do tomorrow after a vampire night is draw three naked people from my head. It should not be so bad just I'll just skip all the weird bits and get the job done. I had a dream last night and in the dream My breath got described as venison which I thought was pretty funny. I slept allot today as if I was depressed but I don't feel down. I had great dreams, adventures and lived parts of lives I have always wished were true. I can't remember any of it now, only that at one time in my slumber my breath smelled like dear meat. Other things came to my mind today, weird moments in my life. Today I thought of someone I only crossed paths with once. I was working the night shift as a security guard in Norwalk Connecticut at an office building. Working the night shift you never see many people at all. But this night I saw a very pretty girl she had gotten hired at one of the companies that had offices in my building. She had things in her car she was clearly moving across country, and I was the first person to greet her to her new life. She looked nervous and excited, it must have been the big break she had been praying for. She came to her job before she even went to her new apartment which was around the block. She had a big smile and was very happy to see me. It stayed with me even now like 6 years later. Maybe it was because it was a very dark part of my life. during that part of my life I almost never took my eyes off of the black room with in my head, so a pretty girl with a smiling face couldn't exist even in a day dream. Such dark times, I seldom saw the logic in the direction I was traveling. I picture it as walking in the desert and all direction look the same. As I sat there reading the weeks random book, her smile came in like an oases in the desert. Seeing her reach the end of a chapter in her story. Her nervous smile, gave me hope that my own story might one day have more substance; not just walks in the dark, drifting days and working on a means to an end I did not want. I could see her happiness like a radiating aura 20 feet wide bright like the sun, she reached the end of her race. She got out of her car and I stood with in the very edge of her aura. Like a little miracle no one really notices but someday effect the entire world from its profound unseen effects. I am sure it happened different then the way I remember it. But I find it beautiful the way I see it now with in my minds eye. Sometimes its better to remember the darkest night as the moment before beautiful sunrise.

refreshingly half full

Once in a while life brings you and opportunity. Toughs moments where its now or never, a slim chance to progress into the next stage of life. Well just now I got one of them moments. Maybe I over did it, I got a little long winded. after that moment passed and I did all that could be done. A had a though. We pour our hearts out, with the hopes that someone catches it in a glass that's half full. Well that is all I got for today. Wait!!!! I got something more. Funny thing happened today. Someone used up all the hot water and I had to take a cold shower. I have not felt this refreshed in a long time.

A change that has not come to happen yet.

Somethings feels different about this moment. Something feels drastically different then the moment past. I have not seen it with my eyes, felt it with my skin, or heard it with my ears yet but I feel it some where IN my soul. I don't like the feeling, but its an all to familiar feeling. Makes me remissness back, back into memories of my past. In my mind I am digging in old boxes that hold stuff I seldom look at. Some memories for today and some that have been regretted to this day. But regrets of the past the one in my mind are for a different time, lets get back to the thought at hand. I remember the first time I felt this. I was in the middle of fifth grade and I was changing schools. I remember riding the bus and loosing a hopeless battle to keep my tears from materializing in my eyes. The feeling traveled from the area in and around my heart up to my neck and made ball in the back of my throat. I tried to swallow but the ball stayed. Moments later that feeling was at my eyes and the tears began and I squeezed my hands but it did not help. I knew my life had changed and it could not go back. When I left this place I could never come back to this life the way it was when I was here at this moment in time. So I cried bitter tears, because I knew something had died. Now that feeling almost never gets to my eyes it just sits in my soul and travels up to become a ball in the back of my throat. I know I'm moving and I am super happy about it. But some how even if I hated most of the year I was here in the place of my birth my soul is ringing sad vibrations that are reaching my throat and I feel a ball forming.

deep, sick, demented, insane laughter within my brain

I decided to post all the blogs I written over the past couple of months and only saved as drafts. Is it vain that I enjoy reading my own writings. hmmm maybe a little but that's why I write them. There lives a smirk on my face at this very moment, and deep, sick, demented, insane laughter within my brain.