even as im older the grass in my yard still sucks. thats gotta change.

recently i have been thinking about relationships allot. This topic is not a huge surprise i have been single for like 4 years now. I admit I'm alone and lonely. Here I sit surrounded by family but i feel alone. I am 28 now and recently i started Grad school and moved across the country. some how i got pushed away from people. and after much deliberation among my mental faculty i think i might be the problem.

I dont smile very much. and maybe i look at people with a look in indifferent contempt. friends im sure you dont see this look. I have never seen it but my mom said she sees it when i dont pay attention. moms know best lol she said i give a look to tell people leave me alone i dont have time for you. and you know the look i think in my head it is more like waiting for people to come to me. or longing for friendship maybe missing my old friends back in ct or just thinking. or maybe its a mental grab at the familiar. funny im so winey today i have a pretty great life allot of people would love.

I have my health first and foremost. which alone should make any man or woman on earth the happiest person in the OR. But we dont think about that type of thing. Im a gypsy and its in my blood. i lived in the same place for years but my blood got the better of me and i started the life of a vagabond. I should have known that my life is not stable and safe. that would kill me. and I have always liked vampires and that sort of night people. now i really find my self with out color and really looking like one. sometimes i dont see the sun for days at a time the sun burns my eyes and skin. the other day i was in the sun for 10 mins and my body felt all numb lol weird. but the weird part is i miss it. even if from viewed from a window its still is nice. i really really need to learn to love the grass on this side of the fence.

Maybe thats life learning to love what you have and not care about what you dont. and to get a tan. well i dont think i have a choice. im moving to the land of tans. where is my 99 spf?