refreshingly half full

Once in a while life brings you and opportunity. Toughs moments where its now or never, a slim chance to progress into the next stage of life. Well just now I got one of them moments. Maybe I over did it, I got a little long winded. after that moment passed and I did all that could be done. A had a though. We pour our hearts out, with the hopes that someone catches it in a glass that's half full. Well that is all I got for today. Wait!!!! I got something more. Funny thing happened today. Someone used up all the hot water and I had to take a cold shower. I have not felt this refreshed in a long time.

A change that has not come to happen yet.

Somethings feels different about this moment. Something feels drastically different then the moment past. I have not seen it with my eyes, felt it with my skin, or heard it with my ears yet but I feel it some where IN my soul. I don't like the feeling, but its an all to familiar feeling. Makes me remissness back, back into memories of my past. In my mind I am digging in old boxes that hold stuff I seldom look at. Some memories for today and some that have been regretted to this day. But regrets of the past the one in my mind are for a different time, lets get back to the thought at hand. I remember the first time I felt this. I was in the middle of fifth grade and I was changing schools. I remember riding the bus and loosing a hopeless battle to keep my tears from materializing in my eyes. The feeling traveled from the area in and around my heart up to my neck and made ball in the back of my throat. I tried to swallow but the ball stayed. Moments later that feeling was at my eyes and the tears began and I squeezed my hands but it did not help. I knew my life had changed and it could not go back. When I left this place I could never come back to this life the way it was when I was here at this moment in time. So I cried bitter tears, because I knew something had died. Now that feeling almost never gets to my eyes it just sits in my soul and travels up to become a ball in the back of my throat. I know I'm moving and I am super happy about it. But some how even if I hated most of the year I was here in the place of my birth my soul is ringing sad vibrations that are reaching my throat and I feel a ball forming.

deep, sick, demented, insane laughter within my brain

I decided to post all the blogs I written over the past couple of months and only saved as drafts. Is it vain that I enjoy reading my own writings. hmmm maybe a little but that's why I write them. There lives a smirk on my face at this very moment, and deep, sick, demented, insane laughter within my brain.

How did I get here?

My emotional state right now seems to be like a drop of dew on the edge of a razor blade, extremely unpredictable. Not sure if any direction would produce a outcome worth exploring. But here is not where I want to be so staying is out of the question. Today in a conversation with my friend Joel I asked him, "How did I get here?". That single question is the statement of the year. How did I get here? Something I think the world and everyone in it needs to ask it self. How did I get here? Where along the path in life or time did I place my right or left foot just an inch in that same direction to the left or the right? Or was it the right or left. Little things like that change the final destination by miles and miles. Years ago my direction was very different. I was on a plateau in China asking my self what I will do next. Back then I was in my late mid twenties full of excitement, energy, wonder, and full of purpose. I asked my self Should I stay in this country and see where the next Peak takes me or should I go back to the land of my birth and leave this adventure for another time, another age. I knew what was right for me and my lack of experience and knowledge was to study. I planed on studying so that one day I could return to really help people. But here I am now years later struggling to see the top of a peak that is miles away from that goal and wondering. How did I get here? Of course I took this path because I know at the top of this mountain there will be a bridge to where I want to be. But here in this valley its dark, and here in this valley are the hunting grounds of predictors. I don't enjoy being this exposed, I feel a primal fear I don't quite understand. Do I run and hide, (fact) bears run faster up hill then they do down hill. And also of course this is not my first time in a valley but not since my childhood have I been in one. Now as a man it hard to shake this feeling and be brave. This valley and this statue inducing state only brings me back to the beginning, and that same question. How did I get here?

A little brick wall within my mind

I have Been listening to allot of music these past couple of weeks. While listening to music I came across this group I used to like and this reminded me of this song I used to really like so I found it on YouTube and took a listen. In through my headphones came back a life and time long past from my youth. It felt like the aftermath of a punch in stomach that lingering pain that is halfway between sickness and having to cope with the betrayal of the world around you. I remember listening to that one song over and over in my room on a boombox over and over again diving deep into the my self. I would sit there making up my mind on who I would be as a person someday. Someday I'll be happy. Someday I'll be rich. Someday I'll get the hell out of the shit hole. Someday... Like little bricks of a small wall within my mind I pieced together a future in my mind I hoped would come into fulfillment. Then the more I listened I remembered all the pain that came with that part of my life. flashing on and off were all them old memories. Living in the poor parts of a poor urban city. Going to school and keeping quite for years on end just to keep my self from being noticed. Being embarrassed or made fun of. Looking as the girl I was secretly in love with, and how she did not even know I was alive. The moments I spend before bed dreaming of being the hero of some story, and how I always got the girl in the end.

nothing but a bunch of random thoughts.

Lately, I'm not sure I have felt about writing or even drawing something. Many thoughts have been passing my mind which is often the case when passing my birth date. Maybe because I have passed a large milestone in my life. Past my twenties now and beginning my thirties. I went to the doctors today and she shook my hand two times. It brings thoughts to my mind, little things like that. Or seeing bar scenes in movies or movies about love. I want to tell you right now I took a break from this blog. and found that one of my favorite musicians just came out with a new CD. It brought a smile to my face and I wish I could share that with you. Little moments like that. Maybe that last sentence was not so literary but its the truth, plain and simple. I have been single for many years now, almost seven years. And I think I'm ready. Gone are the lingering thoughts of possible love, or life with another. I am a clean slate. Back are the days of watching romantic movies with wonderment. The sun has risen on a new day, and that day is looking delightful. Some one I know on facebook updated there status to Metamorphoses. I love that word. Its a story all rolled up into one. You can imagine so much with just that word. For example I always picture Dark Metamorphoses, A spell in a video game. Funny, so basic the thought. But its deeper then that. That two word statement stuck with me. As a being of sin I will do good in this world of dark and go against my nature. So I often yell at the top of my lungs with my inner voice Dark Metamorphoses. Funny what sticks with you.

The song changes

Its late or early depending on you perspective. For me It is a bit of both. I have no idea what to focus on right now so I will just free write. I know that there is a hunger with in us all, dormant waiting to be triggered to react so that we might fight for something once again. The fight of days past, I speak of our youth. Vigor with in our blood that need to flow in replacement of out sweet sugar coated play nice with others lives we live. We are not made of glass but made of iron and we need friction to live. I often dream of a time or a life I would like to live but why not this life. I want to mold it to fit not grow to fit what it has become. Anger is often the answer looked over by humanity in favor of something more palatable by others. But do I really really really care what shit tastes like in other peoples mouths. I think not. The track pauses for a bit and the song changes. Lets see something I can really put my toes a tapping too. I don't want it, I just need it. A line from one of my favorite songs. Often I would think hmmm maybe I should cool down but and I did that for a time and that time is over for a while again. Now I need pain again but this time its not out of self hate, its out of self love. Red Gold and Purple are my favorite colors because these are the colors of royalty and I am worth it. Each one of us must wear what fits and not try and fit something that does not. And thats about it for now.