deep, sick, demented, insane laughter within my brain

I decided to post all the blogs I written over the past couple of months and only saved as drafts. Is it vain that I enjoy reading my own writings. hmmm maybe a little but that's why I write them. There lives a smirk on my face at this very moment, and deep, sick, demented, insane laughter within my brain.

How did I get here?

My emotional state right now seems to be like a drop of dew on the edge of a razor blade, extremely unpredictable. Not sure if any direction would produce a outcome worth exploring. But here is not where I want to be so staying is out of the question. Today in a conversation with my friend Joel I asked him, "How did I get here?". That single question is the statement of the year. How did I get here? Something I think the world and everyone in it needs to ask it self. How did I get here? Where along the path in life or time did I place my right or left foot just an inch in that same direction to the left or the right? Or was it the right or left. Little things like that change the final destination by miles and miles. Years ago my direction was very different. I was on a plateau in China asking my self what I will do next. Back then I was in my late mid twenties full of excitement, energy, wonder, and full of purpose. I asked my self Should I stay in this country and see where the next Peak takes me or should I go back to the land of my birth and leave this adventure for another time, another age. I knew what was right for me and my lack of experience and knowledge was to study. I planed on studying so that one day I could return to really help people. But here I am now years later struggling to see the top of a peak that is miles away from that goal and wondering. How did I get here? Of course I took this path because I know at the top of this mountain there will be a bridge to where I want to be. But here in this valley its dark, and here in this valley are the hunting grounds of predictors. I don't enjoy being this exposed, I feel a primal fear I don't quite understand. Do I run and hide, (fact) bears run faster up hill then they do down hill. And also of course this is not my first time in a valley but not since my childhood have I been in one. Now as a man it hard to shake this feeling and be brave. This valley and this statue inducing state only brings me back to the beginning, and that same question. How did I get here?

A little brick wall within my mind

I have Been listening to allot of music these past couple of weeks. While listening to music I came across this group I used to like and this reminded me of this song I used to really like so I found it on YouTube and took a listen. In through my headphones came back a life and time long past from my youth. It felt like the aftermath of a punch in stomach that lingering pain that is halfway between sickness and having to cope with the betrayal of the world around you. I remember listening to that one song over and over in my room on a boombox over and over again diving deep into the my self. I would sit there making up my mind on who I would be as a person someday. Someday I'll be happy. Someday I'll be rich. Someday I'll get the hell out of the shit hole. Someday... Like little bricks of a small wall within my mind I pieced together a future in my mind I hoped would come into fulfillment. Then the more I listened I remembered all the pain that came with that part of my life. flashing on and off were all them old memories. Living in the poor parts of a poor urban city. Going to school and keeping quite for years on end just to keep my self from being noticed. Being embarrassed or made fun of. Looking as the girl I was secretly in love with, and how she did not even know I was alive. The moments I spend before bed dreaming of being the hero of some story, and how I always got the girl in the end.