delirious daydreams.

I'm sick I got the flu or maybe its my body rejecting all the crap thats build up in its self over the years. Not really sure I am on H2O2 and kelp. But this blog is not about this stuff. I want to talk about this song well better yet the hook of a song. its die young by kesha I know I know horrible rap pop. But the hook is very funny and yes that is the Chinese English use of the word funny. Its reminds me innocent times chanced meetings with special someones or even meeting of the eyes of a crush. Right now I am really happy living in my skin. But this hook makes me fell like maybe If I found the right girl. I will meet them moments this song evokes in my memory with open arms. But also I am super happy just being me right now and that's something to celebrate, its been a long work in progress. ^______^ .... I am so going to crash out right now.... I am sick T____T..... "I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums... ohh what a shame that you came here with someone"..... Love that line.

Iodine oh how I love you. ;)

So my favorite element by far is iodine and people totally don't give enough love to the stuff. I mean its great better then gold and allot of stuff.

5 thoughts that have connections to me.

Sparkles thats how I want to start this blog entry, and no sparkles is not a topic I am going to really explore. Its just the word brings images that I want to conger at this moment for no other reason then its beautiful. Plan and simple. Sparkles... I am not sure what to write next. I mean sparkles is pretty amazing. But I feel like writing about something else. I want to write about the thoughts floating in my mind right now. I could not breath really for like a couple of weeks and and I had been in pain. I have asthma and I guess it was worse then I thought it was. So I finally took the meds to get better today and its amazing. How should I explain it? I will just free write for a while with my eyes closed so you can get the idea. The sun is peeking through the clouds in rays of yellow beautiful. as if clouds of pain were measured in liquid but now the rain has come and gone and I am ok. nothing amazing just my own little moment no one would or should really care about. that small emotional stuff you don't tell others because no one really knows your plight and shoes can never really be exchanged. But its one of them moments where you really get to see that life is worth living. Pain is worth navigating, and the journey really is almost as good as the destination. The other day I talked with someone so smart she could taste words. I wish I could do that, the idea is so fascinating. I bet her cerebral cortex much more thicker then most people on earth(not fair). I used to try to grow mine as a kid by concentration lol. I used to do other exercises too. maybe I should start them up again. I have been having very weird dreams lately about talking with animals and shape shifting into them. Very weird stuff about things I have no clue how they connect. And I am pretty good at interpreting dreams but this stuff is just random. One dream my arm changed into a cat arm and a couple night later I turned into a animal. In another dream I could have sworn I felt pain in my dream. But all in all I am good. UPdate!!!!! ohhh I edited this one. I totally read something with my unconscious mind right now. I am listening to the new No Doubt album while I am writing this. Well just the song undone over and over again. But the song after that I realize after I posted this is titled sparkle weird....

the things others cant see but can feel.

Self-image is something I am thinking about right now. The thought conjures up images of things I like associating my self with. Things like Tigers and cats, sheep, the Phoenix, the ram, the bull, angels, and vampires. These things I think about are all associated with my personal story. But, I think the interesting thing is what other people picture for themselves. What type of things do people associate them self's with that is unseen that clashes with the things in me. Do these self projected images some how sneek out and confront others. Like cats don't like dogs. And Maybe out of all of them the cat was the first thing that associated its self with me before I had a choice. Maybe people notice this about me and find disdain in that. The cat is part of me (a whole different story) and I can't change that nor would I even try its who I am. Really makes me wonder. What's in you? Are the things that make me comfortable make you uncomfortable. I think its natural I mean things that I love also drive me crazy. like things that are hanging I just want to rip it down and attack it but then if I do that I cant play with it. Ohhh such weird things them kittens taught me when I was little.

My half was the easy half.

I feel pretty ok with my self about now I am not sure if this a good thing. But I have been looking off into the distance for a little to long this time. not sure if I am looking at a sunset or a sunrise and the thought has a very soft sound to it. Nothing loud or alarming just a very calm attention caller. But with the sound comes other thoughts, thoughts that are long past and gone. But when I find my self looking off into the distance with in the clouds are things I wished I never said. Points in my life where I knew I turned off the lights and shut the door and the door vanished. I think to my self dark thoughts. I think of life changing decisions I have made in my life where I feel I have been lucky I made the right choice. I think of choices people have had to make about me and I wonder if they feel lucky. I have given up on making decisions lately. I keep telling my self its so I can make something of my self but I feel the something I have made of my self lost something along the way. Maybe there were things I picked up along the way. I know some would say I am crazy for looking to the sky for what I am looking for, but I can't help it. So much has came and went and now I feel I have no choice but to wait for the impossible; somehow I am content with the thought. But as I sit here looking off into the sky and waiting to see whats in my minds eye to appear in my physical eyes. I think of whats coming and how my path was the easy half of the journey. I wonder how long before I was born had the journey began. I find comfort in that and forget about the pains of the past and being alone while I wait is not a burden at all.

that little ragged edge of paper.

So I started cleaning up my inventory of friends. It is kinda liberating I think. Its kinda like cutting the ragged edge of paper. Yes it is paper but the reality is it does nothing for you but stick out and pull you down. Hmmm I wonder what is pushing me to this I have never been like this. I moved around allot as a kid and used to do anything to keep a friend, because I valued them. Even if they are not so great. Its weird maybe I'm moving into a new stage in my life.

Eye burning sunlight shades of gray and tan

extremely weird night I have had all in my mind. Maybe this night started days ago diving into my past walking in damp caves of different lives I used to live. Pondering what if's and could have been's, playing out different outcomes that will never be. I often remember the past as something more. But, I play it cool allot colder then I have ever been able to play it my whole life. Set backs bring past failures up to the surface in bright eye burning sunlight shades of gray and tan. Whenever my lives dirty laundry used to come busting out I used to take me such a long while to pack it all back away. But some how now that I am older I am numb and life just does not hurt as much as it used to and the dirty laundry get put into boxes with ease. Maybe its just the time in my life kinda like knee deep mud filled with dirty shoes some where deep in the muck no one will every see again, but sometimes felt by chance and remembered as something that never really was.

I feel numb but no I can't see any explanation for it. Everything feels muted I can just make out the ideas of what I am hearing and seeing. Maybe its the lack of sleep.

Sometimes its better to remember the darkest night as the moment before beautiful sunrise.

The sun is coming up, I am having glass of water and a microwaved apple pie from McDonalds. The pie burned my tongue, it was only microwaved for like 25 sec but it came out molten lava. I spent the whole night working on my school projects it was allot of work but its done. Now the only thing I have to do tomorrow after a vampire night is draw three naked people from my head. It should not be so bad just I'll just skip all the weird bits and get the job done. I had a dream last night and in the dream My breath got described as venison which I thought was pretty funny. I slept allot today as if I was depressed but I don't feel down. I had great dreams, adventures and lived parts of lives I have always wished were true. I can't remember any of it now, only that at one time in my slumber my breath smelled like dear meat. Other things came to my mind today, weird moments in my life. Today I thought of someone I only crossed paths with once. I was working the night shift as a security guard in Norwalk Connecticut at an office building. Working the night shift you never see many people at all. But this night I saw a very pretty girl she had gotten hired at one of the companies that had offices in my building. She had things in her car she was clearly moving across country, and I was the first person to greet her to her new life. She looked nervous and excited, it must have been the big break she had been praying for. She came to her job before she even went to her new apartment which was around the block. She had a big smile and was very happy to see me. It stayed with me even now like 6 years later. Maybe it was because it was a very dark part of my life. during that part of my life I almost never took my eyes off of the black room with in my head, so a pretty girl with a smiling face couldn't exist even in a day dream. Such dark times, I seldom saw the logic in the direction I was traveling. I picture it as walking in the desert and all direction look the same. As I sat there reading the weeks random book, her smile came in like an oases in the desert. Seeing her reach the end of a chapter in her story. Her nervous smile, gave me hope that my own story might one day have more substance; not just walks in the dark, drifting days and working on a means to an end I did not want. I could see her happiness like a radiating aura 20 feet wide bright like the sun, she reached the end of her race. She got out of her car and I stood with in the very edge of her aura. Like a little miracle no one really notices but someday effect the entire world from its profound unseen effects. I am sure it happened different then the way I remember it. But I find it beautiful the way I see it now with in my minds eye. Sometimes its better to remember the darkest night as the moment before beautiful sunrise.

refreshingly half full

Once in a while life brings you and opportunity. Toughs moments where its now or never, a slim chance to progress into the next stage of life. Well just now I got one of them moments. Maybe I over did it, I got a little long winded. after that moment passed and I did all that could be done. A had a though. We pour our hearts out, with the hopes that someone catches it in a glass that's half full. Well that is all I got for today. Wait!!!! I got something more. Funny thing happened today. Someone used up all the hot water and I had to take a cold shower. I have not felt this refreshed in a long time.

A change that has not come to happen yet.

Somethings feels different about this moment. Something feels drastically different then the moment past. I have not seen it with my eyes, felt it with my skin, or heard it with my ears yet but I feel it some where IN my soul. I don't like the feeling, but its an all to familiar feeling. Makes me remissness back, back into memories of my past. In my mind I am digging in old boxes that hold stuff I seldom look at. Some memories for today and some that have been regretted to this day. But regrets of the past the one in my mind are for a different time, lets get back to the thought at hand. I remember the first time I felt this. I was in the middle of fifth grade and I was changing schools. I remember riding the bus and loosing a hopeless battle to keep my tears from materializing in my eyes. The feeling traveled from the area in and around my heart up to my neck and made ball in the back of my throat. I tried to swallow but the ball stayed. Moments later that feeling was at my eyes and the tears began and I squeezed my hands but it did not help. I knew my life had changed and it could not go back. When I left this place I could never come back to this life the way it was when I was here at this moment in time. So I cried bitter tears, because I knew something had died. Now that feeling almost never gets to my eyes it just sits in my soul and travels up to become a ball in the back of my throat. I know I'm moving and I am super happy about it. But some how even if I hated most of the year I was here in the place of my birth my soul is ringing sad vibrations that are reaching my throat and I feel a ball forming.