deep, sick, demented, insane laughter within my brain

I decided to post all the blogs I written over the past couple of months and only saved as drafts. Is it vain that I enjoy reading my own writings. hmmm maybe a little but that's why I write them. There lives a smirk on my face at this very moment, and deep, sick, demented, insane laughter within my brain.

How did I get here?

My emotional state right now seems to be like a drop of dew on the edge of a razor blade, extremely unpredictable. Not sure if any direction would produce a outcome worth exploring. But here is not where I want to be so staying is out of the question. Today in a conversation with my friend Joel I asked him, "How did I get here?". That single question is the statement of the year. How did I get here? Something I think the world and everyone in it needs to ask it self. How did I get here? Where along the path in life or time did I place my right or left foot just an inch in that same direction to the left or the right? Or was it the right or left. Little things like that change the final destination by miles and miles. Years ago my direction was very different. I was on a plateau in China asking my self what I will do next. Back then I was in my late mid twenties full of excitement, energy, wonder, and full of purpose. I asked my self Should I stay in this country and see where the next Peak takes me or should I go back to the land of my birth and leave this adventure for another time, another age. I knew what was right for me and my lack of experience and knowledge was to study. I planed on studying so that one day I could return to really help people. But here I am now years later struggling to see the top of a peak that is miles away from that goal and wondering. How did I get here? Of course I took this path because I know at the top of this mountain there will be a bridge to where I want to be. But here in this valley its dark, and here in this valley are the hunting grounds of predictors. I don't enjoy being this exposed, I feel a primal fear I don't quite understand. Do I run and hide, (fact) bears run faster up hill then they do down hill. And also of course this is not my first time in a valley but not since my childhood have I been in one. Now as a man it hard to shake this feeling and be brave. This valley and this statue inducing state only brings me back to the beginning, and that same question. How did I get here?

A little brick wall within my mind

I have Been listening to allot of music these past couple of weeks. While listening to music I came across this group I used to like and this reminded me of this song I used to really like so I found it on YouTube and took a listen. In through my headphones came back a life and time long past from my youth. It felt like the aftermath of a punch in stomach that lingering pain that is halfway between sickness and having to cope with the betrayal of the world around you. I remember listening to that one song over and over in my room on a boombox over and over again diving deep into the my self. I would sit there making up my mind on who I would be as a person someday. Someday I'll be happy. Someday I'll be rich. Someday I'll get the hell out of the shit hole. Someday... Like little bricks of a small wall within my mind I pieced together a future in my mind I hoped would come into fulfillment. Then the more I listened I remembered all the pain that came with that part of my life. flashing on and off were all them old memories. Living in the poor parts of a poor urban city. Going to school and keeping quite for years on end just to keep my self from being noticed. Being embarrassed or made fun of. Looking as the girl I was secretly in love with, and how she did not even know I was alive. The moments I spend before bed dreaming of being the hero of some story, and how I always got the girl in the end.

nothing but a bunch of random thoughts.

Lately, I'm not sure I have felt about writing or even drawing something. Many thoughts have been passing my mind which is often the case when passing my birth date. Maybe because I have passed a large milestone in my life. Past my twenties now and beginning my thirties. I went to the doctors today and she shook my hand two times. It brings thoughts to my mind, little things like that. Or seeing bar scenes in movies or movies about love. I want to tell you right now I took a break from this blog. and found that one of my favorite musicians just came out with a new CD. It brought a smile to my face and I wish I could share that with you. Little moments like that. Maybe that last sentence was not so literary but its the truth, plain and simple. I have been single for many years now, almost seven years. And I think I'm ready. Gone are the lingering thoughts of possible love, or life with another. I am a clean slate. Back are the days of watching romantic movies with wonderment. The sun has risen on a new day, and that day is looking delightful. Some one I know on facebook updated there status to Metamorphoses. I love that word. Its a story all rolled up into one. You can imagine so much with just that word. For example I always picture Dark Metamorphoses, A spell in a video game. Funny, so basic the thought. But its deeper then that. That two word statement stuck with me. As a being of sin I will do good in this world of dark and go against my nature. So I often yell at the top of my lungs with my inner voice Dark Metamorphoses. Funny what sticks with you.

The song changes

Its late or early depending on you perspective. For me It is a bit of both. I have no idea what to focus on right now so I will just free write. I know that there is a hunger with in us all, dormant waiting to be triggered to react so that we might fight for something once again. The fight of days past, I speak of our youth. Vigor with in our blood that need to flow in replacement of out sweet sugar coated play nice with others lives we live. We are not made of glass but made of iron and we need friction to live. I often dream of a time or a life I would like to live but why not this life. I want to mold it to fit not grow to fit what it has become. Anger is often the answer looked over by humanity in favor of something more palatable by others. But do I really really really care what shit tastes like in other peoples mouths. I think not. The track pauses for a bit and the song changes. Lets see something I can really put my toes a tapping too. I don't want it, I just need it. A line from one of my favorite songs. Often I would think hmmm maybe I should cool down but and I did that for a time and that time is over for a while again. Now I need pain again but this time its not out of self hate, its out of self love. Red Gold and Purple are my favorite colors because these are the colors of royalty and I am worth it. Each one of us must wear what fits and not try and fit something that does not. And thats about it for now.

Two sentences

I feel like putting some of this stuff down, but I fear is not very interesting or profound at all. Wow that sentence came out really vain.

A very low lever of stress

Facebook just changed some interface today and so did blogger. Maybe its nothing to you but, then again maybe you do not have a hard time dealing with change. Changes to these programs often give me a very low level of stress. I find this amusing.

The lies I tell my self for all of you to read

So you readers must know by now I have a pension for the melodramatic. Well here is you warning, and there it went. So once again life has tossed me a curve ball, no I think its wrong to blame life this time. I blame my self for this one mostly. So I after years of no real possibility of a romantic relationship for years, its true I have taken long shots that were destined for disaster. this time it was not perfect but it was looking pretty good. But we are not here to talk complications or others opinions or decisions I don't feel like contemplating the unknown right now. I want to speak about the known, that is I had a shot and a blew it. So my self destructive nature got the better of me again. But I think this whole idea of messing up a chance at romance never really existed because I was kidding my self.

I miss friends that get me with out having to explain

Today I went to a local burger place. It felt weird it was somewhat a locals only place with all types of names for food that you would know if you lived in my hometown. I found my self telling the lady I was born here as she asked to see my ID with my card and after questioned the origin of my Connecticut ID. This is very amusing for all toughs that know me well, understand I hate the fact that I was born here.

But this whole thing makes me think. Why did I feel the need to let her know I was from this shit town? So I thought a while, then I thought a while longer. Till I think I could find no other reason but I want to belong. I think we all do sometimes. I miss my friends. What to do about this.

I called some of my buddies from the land where I got my ID. And I was talking about this some recent life events with me. And she said "Ohh great another friend HA, Ohh great another friend(sarcastic overtones)". Its great when you know someone is gonna get you with out even having to explain, or even at times try to lie and make things feel better.

So this blog was going to be about the sun. But I deleted all that and wrote this random. But I'll just say I got a tan now.

This road is closed for repair

I have much to much to do, and no mind for thought or focus at the moment. Last night I tried to sabotage my self, again. On my path of destruction which is most commonly a one way street with no others on rout to the destination I found a road block. Someone finally stood in my way telling me this road is closed for repair. I so needed this, I woke up. I really needed to hear it. Fixing the road I walk is something I have needed to do for a long time. No longer should I walk the path destruction, no now I will walk the path to success.

An apex moment for me. The plot has changed and so has the mood. A new writer has written a little in my script I live and its what the story has needed all along.


Circles look best when round and drawn carefully, and the lines have only been visited once.

the night sky torments me

I think I was born in the wrong time, or maybe its the wrong planet. Recently I have spent some time staring at the stars. Night time used to bring allot of peace to me, now the night sky torments me. I am alone, all alone. Maybe I am feeling self destructive or extreme self loathing.

a draft of a blog I never finished about sleeping.

I might as well write a little sleep seems escape me and the mind is restless.


I am to dream, a dream of a life very different from the one I live. Its a good story.

night sky

Have you ever seen the night sky far away from the city? Its beautiful, better then normal. Something special happens with out the city lights you see more of what is always there. It darker then the night sky in the city but its brighter also. I would not say more exists there, I would say you with less you get more sometimes.

This says volumes to the life we all live. I implore you to find something you love and look at it with less of what ever is dimming its light. This is life we should give our selfs moments of clarity.

fun house mirror

I have a long way to go. I take it beyond reality and live with in the mind at times. No I do not really pay much mind to logic and temperance when it comes to social activity. I have no gray area things are white or black, Its much easier for me to see this way. So living this way creates some very interesting interactions with people and outcomes. These out comes bring internal consequence and here I sit thinking about stuff and I think the most childish thing I do is burn bridges. I know I need to grow but I don't want to. I live my life in a way that suit me and if its gets weird because of this, I might as well burn the bridge. With this said I am really thinking of burning a bridge I should have burned a years ago. A distance dream that has gotten twisted and no longer is a clear picture or a picture at all but a fun house mirror that distorts the image I see of my self. Its childish but necessary.

The smallest tears I have even known

All is quite and still. The moment feels as if the world understood that that instance. Like the bystanders at a funeral, quite, calm, they pay respect with a moment of silence and with out a movement. But passion not death is our scene, love not loss. Passion means pain, as if the weight of the love is killing the heart. Her back is facing me slow now I move my face in so that the closed windows to my soul may rest in the sanctuary of her aura. Uncontrollably, I have betrayer my self and with out my permission the inner self calls out softly.

NO, I hear called out from with in, it is the voice of my inner child and fear takes over my existence. She stirs, my eye grip closed and I mimic a stone. Its passed the world is calm again. With a sigh I am back to enjoy my pain.

Then as if my soul and her soul with in a moment had a conversation to explain my feelings. She turns to me holds me close,face to face. She lets out a sigh that I can see. Its the story of our lives all in a breath. My heart calls out like the soring notes of a sad song. Stop, and at the same time begging my heart expressed never stop. Once again my eyes clinch as if to help balance my reality, with out success.

I open my eye with the smallest tears I have even known. Gone, its all gone. Gone, gone the golden morning sun. Gone, gone is the warmth of my souls sanctuary. Alone now, I find my self abandoned, with only the memory and hope of a dream.

I miss China

I miss China so much! Back when I went for my visit. My life was very different. What I miss is the comradery which I feel we lack greatly in USA. Maybe "comradery" does not quite fit right, but some how it feels right. I miss that connection you feel just being there. We just do not have it in the USA or maybe because I have been traveling and have not settled going on a whole year. Two years since I left my closest friends back in Connecticut. Traveling these last couple of years has been great. I have had the opportunity to meet allot of great new people. But this last year I can't say I have made a new friend or hung out with a friend. Lately I have been thinking allot of Beijing and the great time I had. I miss the friends I made which I kinda guess I have lost with the passing of time. But thats how life work and rings especially true to the traveler. But somehow the soup I call life I can see the taste beginning to be recognizable. I will go back and experience it all again different then before but good in a new way.

This whole thing about relationships is starting take its tole. And I hate the fact that I'm starting to be understanding. With the end of a human connection I no longer get angry or upset I deal with it rationally. What does that mean? I know the answer but don't want to say it aloud.

This was the beginning of a story but this is a true statement.

I was so cold standing there in front of the ocean gazing into the power and grace of nature. Frozen then blind to any possibility but the moment I was experiencing.

old emails and no vegetable oil

I was looking for something else on an email and I found a email from years ago from a friend I no longer talk to but we are kinda friends on facebook. She is married and ehhh friends with a married woman is not really cool or girl in a relationship as a matter of fact. So I was reading over the email and noticing dam my English was horrible back then. Yes I am no English teacher now but wow. I am glad I have worked on it and notice I have improved greatly.

I have given up carbs for lent. It has been a very difficult first couple of days. I got sick and tired and feverish. Then its gotten easy and tell you the truth I think this is my new way of life. Limit my carbs and no vegetable oil.

Now that I look back at the old ways of my youth. Looking back I feel foolish but I guess thats how I learn the hard way, hitting every branch on the way down. I fear to look at my myspace blog oh the shame. Now that I am older I still find my self still finding new trees to fall out of but I am smarter now. This makes me happy to not be in that boat with no pattle.

The Prince of Egypt Soundtrack - "Through Heaven's Eyes"

I just finished watching The Prince of Egypt by dream works. One song really stood out to me this time around. Thinking about this made me wonder why as I sat there tears welling in my eyes because of this song I never thought about much before. It could be because finally I see a little how maybe the things we work on in our life that never brings financial gain can be the most meaningful. Or a bit passing kindness at the right moment could be saving someone from the straw the broke the camels back. Makes me want to do more in my life that can not been seen as right in the worlds eyes but right in through heavens eyes.

To pick the pocket of a Thief

I would like to begin this entry with a turn a phrase that would pick the pocket of a thief. But my mind is black and maybe the best way to begin is to just. My mind is carrying a weigh and such a weight it is. Tired to the point beyond exhausted, and longing of sleep but sleep does not come only staring into the black. The view seen is that which is seen from under eye lids I get no rest and my mind is wild with relentless dreams of delight and deviation. All in the black while I long for dreams I do no control. I am not physicality tired. I only wish to rest my brain because I can no longer tame he beast I have created within. The Tiger I placed in the closet has grown from a cub into an adult and he is barbarous.

It all starts with the innocent sweet dreams of a child. The view is a painting but only the subject has her back turned. I do not see with my eye but with my emotions. I see love. I see thing with out seeing them. I do not have to because I know and love overflows to the point in which I smile for nothing else but overwhelming felicity. The memory ends and the dream begins. I begin to unravel the innocence and place frustration in its place. I dream a dream that will never be. The dream of a alternate failed possibility that I can not seem to put to rest. I have not the tears to shed for such sorrows. I have taken the risk of life before, I know time will pass and so will these dreams.

The memory of the dream helps me continue the search. I know this treasure map will lead to the real painting. I have to keep going onwards for I believe somewhere the subject is the artist and she is continuing onwards her self.

This song got me dancing in my seat! Big smiles to be had.

Maybe you think you lost your vitality? I know your position I have stood in your shoes for sure. But I think what you really lost is something else. What I notice is at times when energy seems a far off land on another planet, is that that all I need is a good tune. I close my eyes smile and wiggle my head and I am there on a privet dance floor going wild. The ship has left its docking station.... Huston we have liftoff! The coarse is set for a crash landing! "not a single mistake in a million key strokes Jerome It is right that you take us to" Planet vitality! And its back full blast pumping in my vanes. I gotta dance!



great video for this mix.


"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQxQbL6q_8w

the tune only.

Fear

I will tell you my biggest fear. I don't care who knows because its almost impossible and will never happen. My biggest fear is being in the middle of space unable to die and helpless.

But thats never gonna happen. But recently I have started to fear people seeing my art. Its ok if im not the best at design. Ehhh I really don't mind all that much. My designs are not me. But I am my art and my art is me we are one in the same. I fear I will not be not be excepted. My soul up on the wall for all to see. But I think its the gamble I need to make. I cant alway hide behind a calm seemingly uncaring exterior. Just some random thoughts.

One Big Circle

Sometimes.... Ehhh you just gotta make mistakes to know something it right. Weird sentence I know. But that is clearly what I mean. You see I moved out of San Fransisco like last June and less then a year later I am moving back. I moved to Florida which can be viewed as a mistake. But in reality it was the best thing I could have done. Florida is a place for rest. I am not at a point in my life where I want to rest. Yes I want a small amount of it. But I do not by no means want to slow down every aspect of my life.

Well the mistake made it clear to me. I mean Florida was great I swam with wild dolphins great place.But, After I left San Fransisco I took a small vacation in Las Vegas to man made. Took a couple of trips to Miami its got weird fun energy. Went back for a day in New York one day but not now you crazy beast of a city. Denver your to clean for my taste. Washington DC your official and I only saw the left side of you but still a lane of traffic just for gov people,,, really?. New Orleans wow you got tons of class even after Katrina...we will talk later. Dallas and Fort Worth was good times Guns and Cow Flesh lol next time I'm around I am gonna stay longer and shoot the guns. I have weighed in on allot since I left San Fransisco. And all the other places that are not major cities.

And the reality of it all is.... You have to be happy inside to be really happy with your surroundings outside.


So you freaky hippy of a transvestite. We are gonna dance for a while and its ok that your different you are what you want to be and I am starting to be the same way. But one thing you can forget about.. Thats me loosing my east coast edge. I will bust you up SON! lol Just kidding. :D

Smiling with your being.

I saw a bird flying close to a sea wall the other day. I know birds don't have lips to smile and in fact he was to far away for me to see it any ways. But I saw it he essence was abounding with joy. Flying up and down in and out of high in the air and close to the water. His movements were acrobatic and artistic I could see he was enjoying him self or her self immensely. Smiling with its whole being. I want to know that kind of joy just being me.

hhhhmmphhh! Sure! lol

I love this commercial.

Perspective

So I have been spending allot of time in my head these last couple of. Well I'm not quite sure how long been, a while I suppose. Not good for a person who has spent his whole life striving to be imaginative. Well that is the life of an artist right... Life in extremes.

When I was a kid my dad took me fishing I'm sure my family was there but I remember this vivid place. The place rang out with visual sound loud and etched its self in my mind. I know I will never see it the way I saw that place that day.

Its all about perspective. I guess thats the point of this entry. Perspective, what I see from my body and the way the mind really sees it. Recently I thought I knew something. I loved some one deeply. Not that normal love of young lovers maybe. Adult love the safe kind, filled with compromise and understanding. And well my perspective betrayed me. I thought I saw it clear as a cloudless sky in the early fall. Thats to say brisk and vibrant full of life kinda of clarity.

I want to be angry and sad. The emotions are there but some how these feeling live in the interaction with a mirror. As I open the door to the constant shock that no one is standing on the other side. Perspective of an artist is life the artists life solitary singular view of the world. Ohh how do I long for that simple perspective of that day fishing with my dad as a child.

2011

Well to say the least 2010 ended like a punch in the face. But in the end I was able to take it like a man and be a gentlemen and kept a friend. And life goes on I think its going to be a positive year. More adventures to come.